The Love Nest (Ephesians 5:22-33)

by Rev. Jeremiah Cheung

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Since tomorrow is February 14, Valentine’s Day, I would like us to reflect on a message of love – “The Love Nest”.

There are three significant reasons why the Lord created marriage:
1. So that man may have a companion and the couple can take care of each other.
2. So that there will be godly offspring.
3. So that there will be a love nest.

The home is a place of love. The most important relationship in a home is that of the husband and wife. If problems arise between the husband and wife, not only will it affect their relationship, it will also affect the parents and the children’s relationship. To establish a love nest, we have to go back to the basic relationship, the husband and wife relationship.

The bible passage we just read tells us very clearly, husbands ought to love their wives, and wives are to submit to their husbands. This is very easy to say, but for a wife to submit to one’s husband is very difficult, and it is even more difficult for a husband to love his wife. It is definitely not as easy we think, but if we really hope to have a love nest, all of us must learn together as couples.

Today, I would like to share this message not only to the married couples but also to everyone, because every Christian ought to learn love and submission.

I. A Wife must Submit to Her Husband

The Bible says: Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands. Doesn’t this sound like male chauvinism? Aren’t we living in an age of gender equality? Mao Tse Tung said: “Women must hold up half the sky.” Should women submit to men? Before we go on, let me just state that in every assembly in this world – whether a nation, a company, a church, a family, or even inside a car, there must be someone willing to be a leader, someone willing to be the decision-maker. Even among a group of thieves, there has to be a leader; for if not, there will be chaos in every place.

Clearly, the Lord had given authority to men, the Bible says: “Wives, submit to your husbands in everything.” I admit that many men are such disappointments; they are lazy, wicked and foolish. It is very difficult to submit to such men. I often say when men don’t behave like men, then the women will not behave like women. Sisters, let me ask you, do any of you desire to act like a tigress? Do you enjoy screaming and yelling at your children? When someone attacks your family, like a mother hen protecting her chicks, do you enjoy having to stand up and fight for your family? None of you wants to be a tigress, right? This isn’t the nature of women, women are by nature gentle and loving.

That is why there is this story: One day, Adam asked God, “God, why did you make the woman so lovely, so attractive.” God answered him, “So that you may love her.” Adam asked again, “God, why did you make woman so gentle, seemingly so weak?” God replied, “So that you will love her.” Adam asked once more, “God, why did you make the woman so stupid?” God thought for a moment and then replied, “So that she will love you!”

Of course women aren’t stupid, women are very intelligent. Brothers, you must love your wife. To love your wife is to be a real man, a good leader. When men do not fulfil their role, the women will take up the men’s role. There is a woman in the Bible called Deborah. Deborah was leader of the whole nation. She led the nation in a battle, acted like a man because the men then didn’t act like men. At that time, the Lord told a man, Barak, through Deborah to go and lead the army in battle, but he replied, “I will go if you (Deborah) go with me; if you don’t go with me I won’t go.” As a result, Deborah had to lead them in battle. When men don’t act like men, the women don’t act like women.

Brothers, we must be real men, committed men who takes up our responsibility and let women be women. When this happens, it will be easier for women to submit to their husbands. Yet, without the grace of God, relying on one’s own strength, men cannot love their wives, neither can wives submit to their husbands. Similarly, Christian, without God’s grace, you cannot love anyone, neither can you submit to any person. We often hear that we must establish Christ-centered homes, yet not a Christ-centered family can be found in the Bible, from the Book of Genesis to Revelation.

Adam and Eve’s Family – This is the world’s first family. Initially, they loved each other. Adam considered Eve bone of his bones, flesh of his flesh. However, after man sinned, God asked Adam, “What is this you have done?” He replied, “The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.” He was in fact saying it was her fault. Adam blamed Eve. This is nothing new, when husbands make mistakes, they all say, “It is my wife’s fault.” Later on, Adam and Eve gave birth to two sons- Cain and Abel. The siblings not only didn’t love each other, Cain killed his own brother and became the world’s first murderer. Was this a Christ-centered family?

Noah’s Family – This family seemed like a good family. This family had even stood as witness to a depraved generation. But, humans are really deplorable. When Noah came out of the ark, his lifestyle deteriorated. He became drunk, lay naked, and cursed his own son and descendants. How come a grandfather is cursing his own grandchildren? How can such a family be Christ-centered?

Abraham’s Family – This man of great faith had lied twice. He told people that Sarah wasn’t his wife, instead his sister. Do you understand what he said? He was in fact saying you can take her and make her your wife, since she is only my sister, but you have to pay me a dowry for her. Later, another man really took Sarah. If it weren’t for God’s mercy, Abraham would have lost his wife. Then, Sarah realizing she couldn’t conceive, told her own husband to sleep with her servant girl, so that she can have a child through her. There is nothing new in this world, it seems the concept of surrogate mother goes way back 4000 years ago. Was this family a picture of Christ-centeredness?

Isaac’s Family – Isaac’s family looked like a good one. Isaac and Rebekah’s marriage was an ideal one. Isaac never had another woman in his life, and neither did Rebekah look at any other man. But this family had another kind of problem, favouritism. They had two sons, Esau and Jacob. The Bible says: Isaac loved Esau. Because Isaac loved to eat wild game meat, he loved Esau more, since Esau loved hunting and often caught wild game for his father. Rebekah however loved Jacob because he was a quiet man, who helped around the house. This is favouritism, and it caused disunity between the brothers.

As parents, if you have two children or more, you will inevitably prefer one over the others, maybe a son, or a daughter, or the one who has your traits, or the more intelligent one, however, we must not show favouritism. Don’t give one the leg of the chicken and the other, chicken bone; or you bring one to vacation abroad, and the other to Baguio only; or the other gets all brand-new clothes, while the other only get hand-me-downs. Bitterness will spring out of such inconsistent treatments.

We must love our children equally although the way we show concern to each may vary. One may need special attention, but love must be consistent for all. I have three children. When they were young, they loved to sleep between their mother and I, but we don’t allow them to do so. We allow them to do so only under one circumstance, that is, when they were sick. The child who gets to sleep with us would be very happy, yet we love them all the same, I refuse to show any favouritism. However, in Isaac’s home, it was filled with favouritism. Such a home isn’t a good picture of a Christian home.

Jacob’s Family – Jacob’s family is more chaotic. Jacob had four wives, thirteen children (13 boys and 1 girl). The siblings didn’t get along, in fact, they tried to kill their brother Joseph. The oldest, Reuben, even went up on his father’s bed. Simeon and Levi killed the men of Shechem. Was such a family a Christ-centered family?

We cannot find a true Christ-centered family within the whole Bible – where the husband loves his wife, the wife submits to her husband, the parents train their children in the Lord’s truth, and children obey their parents. However, this only shows how great God’s grace is and how boundless his mercy is; for none of us are good husbands, good wives, good parents, or good children, yet God’s grace sustains us!

Sisters, I know it is not easy to submit to your husband, Peter, in talking about submission, specifically pointed out a person, Sarah. 1Peter 3:5-6 “For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.”

Sarah referred to Abraham as her lord. How about you, how do you refer to your husband – “that old man”, “that fool”? Sarah called Abraham her lord. Yet today, I want to correct a concept you may have. Sarah is not who we think she is – blameless. Sarah was very beautiful. A woman that beautiful can often become proud. Sarah was proud, selfish and wicked. When she was not able to conceive, she ordered her servant to give her a child; after birth, she would take the baby as hers, that is selfishness. When problems came up between her and Hagar, she mistreated her, that was abuse. Sarah was wicked. If you look at Genesis 16, we will discover that Sarah didn’t submit to Abraham, it was Abraham who submitted to Sarah. Abraham said, “Do with her whatever you think best.” Abraham loved his wife and was also afraid of her.

However, there is one thing commendable about Sarah. When she was first mentioned in the Bible, she was already 65 years of age. She died at age 127. In those 62 years, she never left Abraham’s side. Sarah may already have been married to Abraham since her 20’s or 30’s. She must have followed Abraham for at least 80 years. In those 80 years, this couple had gone through many troubles, but Sarah stood by Abraham all those years. When Abraham was 75 years old, the Lord suddenly told them to leave their homeland, their people, their father’s house, to the place he will direct them to. If Sarah had asked him, “Where are we going?” Abraham must have replied, “I still don’t know.” Who would leave home not knowing where he is going? Abraham was 75 years old, God called him, and Sarah made no objections seemingly. She followed quietly.

Twice, during those years, some men had wanted to take Sarah as their wife, yet she never left Abraham. She rejected the chance to be a queen and chose to follow this man. She acknowledged Abraham as her lord. Although Sarah isn’t as perfect as we would like to think, her submission to Abraham is truly admirable.

II. Husbands Must Love Their Wives

It is not easy for wives to submit to their husband, yet it is more difficult for husbands to love their wife. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.

Husbands are to play two important roles: First, as lover of their wife; second, as leader of their wife. These two roles are very difficult to fulfill:

As a Lover. How does a man love his wife? Brothers, recall the days of your courtship, what attracted you to your wife? You say: her compassion, her kindness, her gentleness? That is wonderful, but you didn’t mention – that you fell in love with her beauty and her beautiful body, right? We find it hard to express these, because we fear people might say we are unspiritual. But the fact is men are attracted by physical looks. There is not a man who does not desire to have a beautiful wife. However, brothers, your wife is now 70 years old, unless your wife is another Sarah, you will not be attracted to her physical appearance anymore. Sisters, do not depend on your physical looks to attract a man. This will not last.

The Bible says: “Make the church holy, and cleansing her by the washing with water through the word to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.” This refers to Christ cleansing the Church through the Holy Spirit, so that the Church becomes the most beautiful bride, blameless and without any blemish or stain.

Sisters, don’t get me wrong, I am not telling you to have a makeover, like the movie stars who have flawless skin. Brothers, do you want your wife to look like the movie stars? Do you know how much money those women spend on their faces? Again, don’t get me wrong, I am not telling you to focus vastly on your wife’s physical beauty. What I am saying is that we must encourage our wife so that they will truly become beautiful. A husband who knows how to love his wife will inspire her to become more and more beautiful, externally and internally. He will be able to bring out her gentle, quiet and kind spirit. Brothers, inspire your wife to be the woman she was meant to be. We must take up our responsibility – when our children are misbehaving, do not stand by and do nothing, do not let your wife turn into a tiger. When people attack your family, do not be afraid to face them, do not make your wife fight on your behalf. Tell her: “Dear, do not be angry, let me go and face them. Just pray for me.” Do not let your wife turn into a tiger inside your home!

As a Leader – What is a good leader? As head of the home, you have to take on your responsibility – take on the pressures and the problems of child-rearing. Some men are really dreadful, when problems arise, they go to sleep, they get drunk, they don’t lift a finger to help. But I want to thank the Lord for in the 20 years I had been in CBCP, I have seen many wonderful men amidst us. These men take up their responsibilities. They are real men in their homes, in their workplace, in the church. When problems arise, they don’t just walk away. Brothers, let us learn together.

But sisters, you must help your man. Men are very insecure. I am a very insecure man. As a wife, you must know how to lift your man’s ego. For example, if someone asks me, “Pastor, I don’t know what happened but my car broke down?” But before I could reply, my wife retorts, “He doesn’t even know how many tires there are on a car, he doesn’t know a thing about cars!” I will surely be very displeased.

Or let’s say, if I start showing off in front of people, my wife suddenly says, “Don’t listen to him, he is just bragging. He doesn’t know what he is talking about.” I will be very angry. These are just examples, my wife has never done so to me. She respects me very much. But I have seen some husbands and some wives who like to make fun of their own spouses in front of others. That is so foolish. Particularly women, remember, when you treat your husband like a hero, he will become your hero; when you treat your husband like a bear, he will really act like a bear.

Lastly, brothers, do not allow your wife, your children to look down on you, for you are the head of the home. Let what the Apostle Paul told Timothy be our encouragement, 1Timothy 4:12 “Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity.” If we set a good example in our speech, conduct, love, faith and purity, then they will not look down on us.

May the Lord bless each family, each couple, each young man, each child in our midst.