Dad: A Most Endearing Masculine Name

by Rev. Jeremiah Cheung

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During Mother’s Day this year, I spoke on “Motherhood, a Divine Calling”. At this year’s Father’s Day, I would like to speak on “Dad: A Most Endearing Masculine Name”. The name `Dad’ is most endearing and precious yet it is also laden with much pressure. Endearing because when you hear people call you Dad, you feel a certain sweetness. To be able to be a father is a blessing, because children are a heritage from the Lord. On the other hand, we feel pressure because heavy are the responsibilities of a father, not only do they have to provide for the physical and material needs of the children, they also play an important role in their children’s growth. This message does not seek to add to a father’s guilt feelings, but to help them become better fathers.

I. Be a Father with Blueprint

The Church is planning on constructing a new church building, and has used a lot of time planning its blueprint. When construction begins, we will do so by following the blueprint. Of course, there may be slight alterations, but definitely construction will not be done by totally not following the blueprint, for if so, the structure built would be very frightening.

Isn’t it the same with fatherhood? After we become fathers, do we have fatherhood blueprints? What kind of father do you want to become? What kind of people do you want your children to become? In this world, there are two kinds of fathers, first are fathers without blueprints, these are fathers who do not have plans neither directions. They do not know when to say yes or no to their children, in the end, the children become the leaders; the children lead the parents towards the direction they want. If the parents exert some discipline, the children feel the parents are nagging and threaten to leave home. When the parents ease up on the discipline, they become like oxens led by the children. Because the father does not have a blueprint, he does not know what kind of people he wants his children to become someday. Then, there are fathers with blueprints. In their hearts, such fathers know clearly what kind of people they want their children to become, and they move towards that direction. With love, discipline, and training, they lead their children step by step along the blueprints they have in mind.

Some people say children are like angels, because babies are truly loveable. In every baby’s face, we see innocence and purity and absence of evil. But after 20 or 30 years, that baby may become a monster. When we read the newspapers or internet, we find that this world is indeed very frightening. Any angelic baby left in such an environment will become a monster. But monsters or devils do not become one in a day’s time. We must not forget that the murderers and convicts were once babies who looked angelic! A father with a blueprint in his hand is like a gardener with a pair of pruning shears in his hands who prunes and cuts the plants in his flower garden. The process of pruning is painful but necessary.

Whenever I reprove my children, I feel pained, but I know what I am doing because I have a blueprint in my hand; I want to help them become men and women who please God. Although the Bible is not a book on parenting, yet it gives us a blueprint for fatherhood. Have we taken the time to study this blueprint thoroughly? Ephesians 6:4 “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” What does exasperate mean? To exasperate means to infuriate or provoke anger. When someone tell you `you are so dumb, you are so useless’, will such words anger you? Of course! If you say these things to your child, his heart will become angry, and the end result will be as Colossians 3:21 says: “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.” Discourage means to dishearten or lose heart. The more you exasperate him, the more he will give up on himself, for it is those closest to their hearts who can hurt them the most.

In your heart, you may ask, “So, we aren’t supposed to reprimand and discipline our children, then?” Indeed, we must reprimand and discipline them but only according to the Lord’s teachings and warnings. We must use the Truth of the Lord to train, discipline, and correct our children. We use the Truth to teach and train our children because we recognize that the ultimate authority in the home is not the parent but the Lord. If parents and children would but understand this truth, then how blessed many homes would be. Fathers, have you planned your fatherhood blueprint? Twenty years from now, what kind of people will your children become?

II. Be a Father who uses his authority appropriately

We all know that fathers have authority because he is the head of his wife and the head of the home. In reality, everyone needs an authority above us, but we do not like to be bound by higher authorities. Simply said, we love to rule over other people but we hate being ruled by others. A father cannot lead without authority, but neither must he abuse his authority. Many Easterners have failed in this aspect, because we often consider our children as ours. Our concept is – `if I want you to live then you live, if I want you to die, you die. They all belong to me.’ Children become the parents’ possessions, like an ox, or a goat. Recently, in Hong Kong, Taiwan, and China, many parents commit suicide due to marriage or financial problems, and before they kill themselves they kill their children first. Why? Because they believed that their children are theirs, the children’s life and death are in their hands. Parents, we do not have such enormous authority! The reason you are called a father is because your children were born to you, that is how you became a father. So, as a father, we must respect our children, without them, you cannot have become a father. When a father uses his authority appropriately, the home will be blessed.

1. Let the Child know his responsibilities

A father who uses his authority appropriately will let his child know his responsibilities. Of course every child is different, and it also has to do with the age and maturity of the child. We do not need to compare our children with others’ children, for when we do so they will be discouraged. When I was 12 years old, I already knew how to cook; at 14, I was already a working student. If I put this standard on my children, they will suffer, because they live in a different situation, one totally different from mine. What is most important is that we must train them up to become responsible people.

2. Let the Child understand his spiritual values

As a father, you must establish your child’s spiritual values. Stir your child’s interest in spiritual things. Do not let him be enticed by material things. Children live in a material world. We need to use material things, even enjoy them but we must not become attached to them. As fathers, we must establish an important value in our children’s hearts. If I ask your children today, “What is your father most concerned about?” Will he say, “My school achievements… how much I am earning?” Of course, education and money are very important, but these are material things. These pertain to the relationship between material things and man, not human relationship; furthermore, these things do not have anything to do with man’s relationship with God. Edison once said, “The best education is not found in the university, but in the home, at the dinner table, as the father converse with the children.” Fathers, when we share our successes and failures with our children, they learn from our successes and our mistakes. Share spiritual matters with your children while they are still young, so that they may know the Lord Jesus earlier. Spend more dinner time with your children and communicate with them, for this is a father’s spiritual authority.

David was a good king but he was not a good father. David did not use his spiritual authority appropriately and as a result:

Amnon disgraced Tamar: Amnon was David’s eldest son. He liked his sister Tamar (of same father, different mother). He used deception to forcibly take his sister. When David found out, 2Samuel 13:21 says, he became furious. But David did not do anything else, he only became furious. As a result, Tamar’s brother, Absalom, became angry in his heart and schemed and killed Amnon. Why didn’t David discipline Amnon? Because he himself did the same things, he took another man’s wife and killed the man, his son learned from his example. David could only be furious but he could not say anything!

Adonijah sets himself as king: David’s another son called Adonijah coveted the throne when David was old. He had fifty men run ahead of him to promulgate his kingship. 1King1:6 “His father had never interfered with him by asking, “Why do you behave as you do?” This was a good father, but a father who did not exercise his spiritual authority. He never questioned his sons actions, so in the end, Adonijah was struck down by Solomon. Was David then totally blameless regarding his son’s death?
The Lord gives fathers authority, may we truly use our authority properly. Let our children understand their responsibilities in this life, including the spiritual and physical aspects.

III. Be a loveable father

There are many kinds of fathers in this world, and many are not loveable. Many men are not loveable fathers because of problems in their family of origin. Many have suffered due to the failures of their fathers, so they themselves become un-loveable fathers. We must learn how to be a loveable father. First we must recognize who are un-loveable fathers:

a. Absentee Fathers – this is term that has been coined in recent years. Because many fathers today are often not around. During the graduation of their children, only mothers are present. Of course, fathers are out there earning a living, they have to work they cannot always be present, but if they have never attended any event at all concerning their children, they are absentee fathers. If your child doesn’t see you at home, because when he leaves for school you are still asleep, and he is asleep while you are out, then you are also an absentee father. These are un-loveable fathers. In your heart, you may argue: `but I am too busy, I really do not have time.’ Having no time is a relative issue, not an absolute one. When you feel something is important, you will give it time. If your children are important to you, you will take time out for them.

b. Uncommunicative Fathers – Fathers tend to be uncommunicative, as a result, they do not have anything to talk about when they meet their children. But some fathers, however, talk endlessly. Yet, they are not communicating, because they speak only what interest them, not what their children want to hear: `What grade did you get? Have you done your homework? Did you read your Bible? Have you prayed?’ There is nothing wrong with these questions. These are questions that need to be asked, but if you ask these repeatedly every day and say nothing else which may show the children your concern regarding their interests or preferences, then you are not communicating at all! As fathers our problem often is that we do not want to listen to others but we want them to listen to us, especially our children – `I am your father, you must listen to me’, but you aren’t willing to listen to your children. Children are not fools, they know from our tone of voice, our attitude, our eyes, whether we are listening to them or not. Since we show disinterest, they will find other people who will listen such as their friends because their friends listen to them. We must learn to listen, listen before we speak, be a communicative father.

c. Irresponsible Fathers – Praise the Lord, many believers are responsible fathers. Fathers carry a lot of responsibilities, and the two most important are: 1.the responsibility to provide physical and material needs and 2. the responsibility to meet emotional needs. Fathers are to provide for the needs of their children such as food, shelter, etc. I really admire men who work hard to provide for their families. However, fathers must also provide for the emotional needs of their children. Children need love, not only from the mother but all the more from the father. A book entitled “Five Love Languages of Love” lists the 5 kinds of love languages: 1.Words of Affirmation 2.Quality Time 3.Gift 4.Acts of Service 5.Physical Touch

d. Violent Fathers – Fathers are stricter, and sometimes they not only use their mouths, but sadly, even their hands, as a result, children are abused. Some children die from physical abuse by their fathers. Men also often have problem with anger. We are indeed sinners, we cannot control ourselves. May the Lord have mercy on us. Fathers, if you have ever abused your children, you must find an opportunity and apologize to them, ask them to forgive you.

e. Weak Fathers — Fearful fathers – fathers who are afraid of people, afraid of problems, afraid of their wives, afraid of conflicts, afraid of failures – are weak fathers. Children of such fathers either become just like their fathers who are afraid of everything, or they become the opposite of what their fathers are like – afraid of nothing. They do not have a good father image. Fathers can be gentle yet not weak. Fathers can be understanding yet not weak. We must be a strong father, not a violent father. Be a true leader of your home.

f. Double-faced Fathers – Christian fathers are especially vulnerable to this – outside the home, we have a good image. We let everyone see how spiritual we are and how much we love the Lord, but at home, what kind of people are we? The children see that what you say and do in church and at home are different. The children see their father as a double-faced father. Actually, there is no such need to act like that, for all of us have a good side and a bad side, what we need is God’s grace and help so that we will not be double-faced people.

Relying on God’s grace, let us learn to be a loveable father, that is:

A father who is often present
A father who communicates with his children.
A father who is responsible
A father who is strong but not violent
A father who is brave and not weak
A father who is true, not double-faced.